Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
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The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
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What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator?
I don't know, but don't try to fix its bow tie!
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What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle
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How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter?
Mice skates.
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Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
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Q: Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer and an Irish setter?
A: The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters.
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What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
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Did you know that all the angels in Jesus' heavenly choir had the same name?
Sure, haven't you ever heard the song, "Hark, the Harold Angels Sing"?
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What is Santa's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
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What is Frosty's favorite breakfast cereal?
Snow Flakes.
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How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With a North Pole-aroid camera.
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Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree?
After your Christmas one and your Christmas two.
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What would a Japanese tourist in Alaska wear?
An Eskimono.
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Q: What does Santa Claus do in his garden?
A: Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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My stockings were hanging by the chimney with care,
I'd been wearing them for months and they needed the air.
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What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down?
Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.
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Why is Santa a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position.
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What do you call a polar bear that steals icebergs from other polar bears?
An ice-burglar.
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Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
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What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claus
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How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator?
The hoof prints in the butter!
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Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.
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What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff?
He gets snowflakes.
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Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph
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What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
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What did the sheep say to the shepherd?
Seasons Bleetings!
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What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet
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Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.
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What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas
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What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?
A chill pill.
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What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
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What does Santa Claus use when he goes skiing?
A North Pole.
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Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis
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What do you call a cow in Alaska?
An Eski-moo.
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What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll
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Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.
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Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen
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Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still
being able to say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
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If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe
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Billy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive?
Tilly: Olive?
Billy: Yeah, you know... Olive the other reindeer, used to
laugh and call him names...
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What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet
A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective
on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men
from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so
excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School
today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus
way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver
all the toys!" And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose
so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in
the sky to find their way around."
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